Paper Ghost: Musings of a Restless Girl

 Source:https://visualmagic.info/portfolio/february-2021-tarotscopes/ Scorpio Queen of Wands What you deny yourself is often a symbol of that which could most break your heart. Going after the fire could also open your heart more than ever. An infusion of joy is on its way to you. Will you let it come in? You’ve been holding back on instigating a particular pleasure cascade. Why? There’s a part of you that is scared to begin letting yourself embody what you love. You fear that seeing yourself, or your first trial runs, as less than perfect will be far too much to bear. The last thing you ever want is to be embarrassed by doing something you care about so much, so imperfectly. The last thing you want to feel is shame or humiliation that is out of your control, made public, or traceable in some way. So denial becomes the norm until you sometimes even forget about what you even wanted in the first place. The Queen of Wands is the water of fire. February is a month where you can plunge...

 You know,  I think one of the worst things about being the victim of emotional and psychological violence (or any kind of violence) is seeing people that you used to be close to (or really anyone, close or not) worship this person.  This person can manipulate anyone around them and people just eat it up. I ate it up. Now I want to regurgitate it up. expel it.  move in reverse so it was never ingested. not being able to show other people the bile  is its own sickness  feeling like you have to prove your truth

 What a world. An attempted coup by abunch of neonazis angry because they lost. I'm saving my breath.  I've said enough about this and I am still somewhat at a loss. Today I want to keep a positive attitude.  Catherine spoke to me last week.  At first, harmless.  She asked how my holiday went, we had some chit chat, small talk, regular work acquaintance chatting.  Then as she left, she said she missed me.  I felt like a deer in the headlights, as the saying goes. I was incredibly uncomfortable and the feeling is not reciprocated.  On the contrary, I had just had the fleeting thought days before that I was glad I wasn't getting her texts and having to deal with her anymore.  She stresses me out.  I stumbled and stuttered and said, "We can talk someday" and she started at me, as if that wasn't the answer she wanted.  Stupidly and regrettably, I then mumbled "I missed you too..." and then she left. She has only spoken to me a few times...

 I've gained an inch in my waist and two inches in my hips.   I have not gained weight. I could chalk some of it up to being bloated, but I am discouraged. I am also invigorated.  It's the new year, is this not the time? We did 23 minutes of boxing today and I've eaten a fruit or vegetable(s) at each meal. the sugar is the hard part. I am going to do this. I am tired of feeling like a stranger in my body.  And I ain't gettin any younger.

 3 things I am grateful for today: I am really appreciating the extra time off work.  Though it's the result of a stressful event (a covid exposure), I really needed the time to try and relax and just be away from my job.  I am dreading going back less than I was initially.  I feel more refreshed and ready to do my job and help save lives. I am also grateful for the time we've been able to spend outside.  We went on a beautiful little hike after Christmas at Brown's Gap.  I could stare at the creek forever, the ice cold mountain water cascading over the rocks, icicles dangling from fallen trees, and snow patches littered across the rocks.  We climbed to the top of a summit, and were able to catch a stunning few of the mountains across the valley.  I am also incredibly grateful that we have largely been untouched by this virus.  We have maintained our income, allowing the stimulus to be used to pay other debts rather than having to choose betw...