Paper Ghost: Musings of a Restless Girl

 "what are two negative thoughts you don't want anymore" I'm so tired of the doom and gloom.  I'm tired of feeling like our society is careening to apocalypse, between the pandemic, climate change, neoNazis, etc. etc. it just all feels so hopeless all the time. a second thought I'm tired of is fear of aging.  I'm trying to exercise and eat better, which goes okay-ish but sometimes when I get pains or have difficulty during or from working out, i'm concerned that my age is the problem.

 I have been struggling with my anxiety these last few days. A few days ago, I could hear my heart beating so heavily in my chest and I felt like I was going to come out of my skin. I've been getting chest pains on and off for a month or so now, but last night and this morning, it hurts to take a deep breath. I gotta say, I'm really looking forward to that appointment the 17th.  Though I'm also very nervous.  As someone who is terrified of vulnerability and also uncomfortable around strangers, it'll be nerve-racking spilling my guts to someone I don't know at all who is specifically there TO listen to me do exactly that😅 we got snow yesterday!  It's so wild because it was in the 70s all week and over the weekend and then it snowed for hours yesterday and is now 20 degrees outside. I love it! There are few things more beautiful to me than the snow slowly accumulating on tree branches. I finished rewatching Dexter and am caught up on the new season, New Blood and...

 well the first day of the year was mostly successful. I didn't buy anything that wasn't necessary and I did spend a lot more time away from my computer...reading, putting laundry away, etc. Woo! I also stayed off facebook.  I've logged out on both my computer and phone to lessen the temptation.  I catch myself opening facebook in a new tab and I'm like wait, no. The weather has been insane. It was 76 inside last night and we were roasting.  It's been raining heavily which I'm okay with, and then tomorrow it's supposed to be down in the forties and snow! After being in the 70s all weekend.  I will welcome the snow with open arms and snow boots though.  Hoping for a four day weekend? and some winter weather! oh, and I made this yesterday with a stick I've been drying out for months, and some of my dried roses!

 a. My favorite memory from 2021 My favorite memory is definitely our trip to Salem.  When we crossed into Massachusetts, I felt like my heart would explode.  It felt like my soul was coming home to a place it had not been in far too long.  The gorgeous foliage, the kindness of people, the rocky, rustic, salty seaside town of Rockport.  I absolutely cannot wait to go back this June.  It's something to look forward to, without a doubt.  I can feel my heart swelling with joy just thinking about it.   b.  Something I am most proud of from 2021 Though my appointment isn't until January 17th, I made the first step towards beginning therapy and helping my brain.  I feel like I have spent so much of the last few years sludging through molasses, and while some of that I can easily blame on the pandemic, because let's face it, it's been fucking DIFFICULT, I have not been kind to myself either.  I'm excited to begin the journey to keepin...

The chaos dies down, and quiet returns. We had a nice, quiet holiday.  Grief has sat heavy with me this year.  I let myself cry alone Christmas morning for the first time in...I can't even remember, and it was a nice release. My heart felt just a smidge lighter. I called my dad on Christmas day, much too late.  He was slurring his words and speaking nonsense.  I should've known better than to call in the evening. I got off the phone as quickly as I could, pretending to be mostly unbothered. I wonder what it's like to have at least one parent who isn't an addict?  I suppose that's a feeling I'll never experience. I begin therapy January 17th and I'm quite looking forward to it.  My chest has felt tight and balled up lately.  I feel as if I'm moving through life in a vat of molasses, and I'm hoping to find some relief, maybe some more energy to do the things I want to do. yesterday, reading new books in new jammies with a new comforter! a gorgeous Dece...

 Happy Christmas eve eve eve eve? and almost yule! Yesterday my dad told me he recently discovered he had hepatitis-c. He says he has no idea where it came from (he doesn't have tattoos and as far as I know, he isn't shooting up heroin), and he seems pretty stressed about paying for the treatment.  He also told me something that may indicate that he has prostate cancer? But he didn't make a big deal out of it on the phone and I didn't really know what he was talking about until I got off the phone and googled what he told me (at least what I think he told me). I have never really had a great relationship with my father.  He's an alcoholic and we didn't really get along when I lived at home because he's just an intense, moody, quiet person and being around him is like walking on eggshells. And of course, the drinking just ...well, you know. It makes situations like this difficult for me because I do care about my dad despite, honestly, wishing for his death o...