Paper Ghost: Musings of a Restless Girl

Seven years ago, I was 19. I moved out of my dad's house on a whim, with one paycheck. I moved to Harrisonburg and started my new version of freedom. Freedom from the nights filled with yelling and alcohol, freedom the dreaded need to go home because I had no place to call my own. Now, I am 26 and I am starting a new chapter.  At the end of the month and end of the year, I will be packing the treasures and memories I have accrued over the last 26 years and I will be carrying them with me to Norfolk, Virginia. I have laughed as much as I have cried and I am as afraid as I am excited. I have made friends as quickly as I have lost them, I have fallen out of love as slowly as I fell in. My grandmother died, my dog passed away. It has been a very long ride and I am ready to begin a new adventure. I will not be beginning this new journey alone, as the one I consider the love of my life will be accompanying me. For this new year and new beginning, I have a few things I'd l...

So the end of the semester and our time in Harrisonburg is upon us! I have two finals left and I will have successfully completed my first semester at ODU. My last day at PetSmart is November 23rd and it is bittersweet. The store has gone through many staff changes and switches in the 6 years that I've worked there. Currently, it honestly kind of sucks, but there are people I will miss, to be certain. We are going down to Norfolk in a week to look at a few apartments and hopefully sign a lease. I am excited, anxious, and stressed. I am ready for change, though.

This time of year gets especially difficult. I used to spend Christmas break at my grandma Mimi's house and I looked forward to it more than just about anything else. I miss waking up to the smell of coffee drifting down the hall to my bedroom.  The sound was even comforting. Of course, this was not the first time I'd wake up in the morning as there was always a chorus of pekingese expressing their interest in going outside, my Buffy scratching at the door begging to join. I miss going around switching on all of the tree lights, as she had more than one beautiful Christmas tree. She also had porcelain dolls holding candles that would sway back and forth at the turn of an on-switch.  Many might find it creepy, but I found it heartwarming. Later in the day, she'd help me tear the bread for stuffing, and give the turkey a "shot" as we called it.  Her rolls were my favorite, soft and warm, moist and scrumptious. Her house was always warm and inviting.  She let ...

I don't know why it's so hard for me to get into writing again. I used to spend hours on blogs and online journals pouring my heart out. Something changed me and made me feel like it's strange to put it where I can go back to it. Something made me feel weird about my own feelings. I don't like it. I miss being an open book, at least to myself. I'm trying though. I am so stressed about money right now. I'm 26 years old and I feel like I'm working for the same wages I was when I had my first job. I feel like I work my ass off for nothing. This month marks six years at PetSmart. I have had enough. I need to get out soon. I need to move on to better (paying) things.

Pizza kind of makes me feel like crap PROBABLY BECAUSE I CAN'T STOP EATING IT EVEYR DAY OF MY LIFE. why okay starting today I am going to start eating better again and chill the fuck out with the pizza. k k.

This is an attempt to start my day off with some positivity. I am grateful for the fact that I have fresh fall coffee to make this morning and that I have this lovely mug to put it in: I am grateful for the fact that I can wake up to the love of my life every day and go to sleep with him by my side every night. I am grateful to have my fat, fluffy, passive aggressive cat, and my chunky bunny. I am grateful that in two months I'll be leaving and moving onto better things. I am grateful that I have friends who care enough about me to drive hours to my house, despite not having seen me for over a year.  I am grateful for having been able to pay rent this month and to have gone on a vacation with my boylove, despite the fact that I was stressed about it.   I am grateful we have jobs and hopeful that we can pay our bills next month. I am grateful for Halloween  and friends who help out when we need it.  I am grateful that I've had the motiv...

things I am grateful for: it's fall we took out our air conditioners today, yessss. this fucking cat: this new tattoo: my before and after (or after and before, as they are backwards):  this fucking guy: I am trying, I promise I am. I am the kind of person that does not like to be woken up like, ever. I am going to be grateful for being woken up by the love of my life at 2 am 6 am 7 am 9 am whenever. I have been thoughtless. Not everyone has someone. I do, and that's important.

I have been in a not so great place mentally, as of late. I think I have a tendency to shut myself off when something happens that I don't want to/can't deal with. After we put Buffy to sleep in May, I just haven't been able to get back to normal. I think the fact that I'm so fed up with my job and this area has contributed to the sadness I've felt. Sometimes I don't/can't feel anything and that's almost worse, I think. It was a mild summer so I should be grateful for that. Fall is beginning and I should be grateful for that, too. I have been doing a little bit of crafting, making some decor for the house and others who are interested. here's a peek: I have been trying to get excited for things to come but it comes and goes. I bought tickets for Alex and me to see Placebo, my all time favorites.  I've been waiting for this since I was a teenager but it's hard for me to muster the excitement that I know should be there but isn...

So we adopted a kitty! Coincidentally, on our two year anniversary :) His name his Echo, he's a 12 year old exotic short hair whose owner and kitty companion both passed away.  I was certain that someone had already filled out an application for this cat when I met him Wednesday evening, but the woman at the SPCA told me otherwise when she called the next day to inform me that we had been approved.  He is such a goofball, he already rules the roost and has made himself at home. yes, our anniversary! So, we both had to work on the 14th but today we are going to Charlottesville to celebrate.  We'll be going to see Bella Morte at the Jefferson Theatre and somewhere for dinner beforehand. I'm excited to see what the future holds for us.  We've had some ups and downs, as does every couple, but I love this guy and he makes me feel loved and appreciated. I can't see my life with anyone else by my side.

I keep reading that one way to "up your happiness" is to write about what we are grateful for. So here goes: I am grateful that I have a job working with animals, even if I don't particularly enjoy the store I work in anymore. I am grateful that my boyfriend puts up with my moody shit. I am grateful to know and have friends, though few and far between, that will also put up with my moody shit. I am grateful to have the will power and motivation that has kept me going strong at the gym. I am grateful to have a brain that lets me be aware of the things that are wrong in the world, even if that makes me sad, a lot of, no most of the time, without it, I could not begin to attempt to fix these things.

Ugh. Everything is stressing me the fuck out. I had a great three days off and then of course the second I go back to work, more shit show. I'm so tired of the drama. It makes me so sad because that store used to be my second home, we were like a family. The team dynamic now is totally fucked and it's just..ugh. I can't take it. I took my graduation assessment today so I'm done with brcc. I'm just waiting for my stats grade to be posted on my transcript and then I'll have the official, final one sent to ODU. Wooooo. We're supposed to be going to NC a week from today but I'm so stressed about money that I think it would be better for us to not go, I really don't think we can afford it. But, I need it for my mental state, so I'm just trying to focus on that. beach, yes. vacation, yes. positivepositivepositive. Here is a photo of my face a few days ago.

So, I'm starting this blog over because google wanted to link all of my accounts and I didn't want my school stuff linked to my blog! Soooo I had to make a new e-mail address for non-school things, and blogger. Wee, here we go. :) Yesterday, I had an interview at Barnes and Noble, which I think went well. Went to Charlottesville with my seester Jade, and I ate this delicious basil, tomato, and mozzarella salad with blackened chicken and balsamic vinegar (it was seriously the tits) and had some burrs (beers) with some people I hold dear. I had not seen them in probably two years and it was such a nice time.  We went to see The Breakfast Club at the theater which was also fantastic, one of my favorite movies of all time. And I tried gelato for the first time! It was scrum-diddly-umptious. My three days off went by far too quickly and unfortunately, I must go back today. I was anticipating thunderstorms the three days I was off as weather.com forecasted them, and I was e...