early mornings

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This is an attempt to start my day off with some positivity.
I am grateful for the fact that I have fresh fall coffee to make this morning and that I have this lovely mug to put it in:
I am grateful for the fact that I can wake up to the love of my life every day
and go to sleep with him by my side every night.
I am grateful to have my fat, fluffy, passive aggressive cat,
and my chunky bunny.
I am grateful that in two months I'll be leaving and moving onto better things.
I am grateful that I have friends who care enough about me to drive hours to my house, despite not having seen me for over a year. 
I am grateful for having been able to pay rent this month and to have gone on a vacation with my boylove, despite the fact that I was stressed about it. 
 I am grateful we have jobs and hopeful that we can pay our bills next month.
I am grateful for Halloween 
and friends who help out when we need it. 
I am grateful that I've had the motivation and will power and strength to help me lose 20 pounds and that I have the will to keep going to where I want to be.


The last few months I have not been someone I want to be.
I am still trying to figure out why and pinpoint the cause, and to get back to where I was, or really, to move forward.
I have been angry and sometimes violent, and violence is not a part of who I am.
I am hoping that moving will make a difference, as this place had made me angry and full of despair for so long, but I am also trying to switch things around in my brain case to help myself.
Something has gotten to me and I want to release it.
I want to feel stable.
I'm getting better, but it comes and goes and sometimes it worries me a bit much.

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