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I know I'm so bad at keeping up with this thing.
I don't know if it's because these days, when it comes to keeping a blog, I feel like I'm talking to someone else and that I have to write as if I am,
even if I'm not, even if I don't.
it's very frustrating and I can't seem to get passed that feeling and just write.
maybe I just don't feel things the way I used to.
I don't mean to sound melancholy or depressing, but maybe I don't feel that fiery passion behind everything anymore, love or hate.
I don't know. I don't think that's it.
I know my last relationship messed me up and I wonder if it doesn't still have an impact on my ability to express emotions
in writing or otherwise.
it's not something I dwell on because that relationship means absolutely nothing to me and I don't think about it.  But something has been different ever since.
I often do wonder if I'm somehow desensitized to everything.  If it's something that comes with the territory of being someone who has been through some fucked up shit, or if it's some sort of wall I've accidentally put up.
I like to think it's the second because in that case, it can be changed
I just don't know how to do so.
I hesitated to say that I'm happy or sad or content or otherwise.
I feel like I am but...I don't?
It's weird.
I love the place I live, the person I'm with
but...I feel like there's a lack of passion behind those words.
It feels false to say them, but I know they're of truth.
It's odd and confusing and I'm not particularly okay with it.
I want things in my life and to happen and yet I don't feel excited or FEEL that want.
who knows

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