Paper Ghost: Musings of a Restless Girl

I need to learn how to not feel guilty about not being actively productive. I have free time now, and it's a strange feeling.

1.  This one is easy--exercise!  I love the fresh feeling of a good workout.  I know that might sound weird because good workouts tend to be a little sweaty and maybe a little gross, but it makes me feel so fresh and really, REfreshed.  I never regret a workout.  And it does so much for my mental health. 2. Create.  I should be more specific with this because there's SO many things I want to create.  I would like to get back into drawing, I want to learn how to knit, I want to remember how to use my camera on any setting other than auto.  I need to get back in my creative space.  There are so many things I've wanted to do for years and I haven't really had the time or energy with school.  Now is the time. 3. Go outside.  I want to go camping, I want to go hiking, swimming, biking!  Again, haven't had the time or energy. It's time. 4. Eat vegetables.  This is self-explanatory! 5.  Be present.  I'm often st...

I have not been taking care of myself food and exercise wise. I was doing pretty well and doing things in moderation but I've let it slide.  Maybe because it's cold and all I want is carbs, I dunno. I don't feel good physically.  My energy levels are low, my skin hasn't been great, my stomach is always queasy and I'm always bloated. Not good. Sometimes I feel like the more I tell myself I need to get it together, the harder it is to do so.  Then I eat my feelings.  I worry my behavior has gotten borderline disordered, but I'm trying to get it under control. I'm hoping that just putting my feelings into written word will help remind me of the regret and discomfort I've felt every time I start to binge again.

y'all it's done. IT'S SUBMITTED I AM ALMOST FREE.

I am tired of this idea that the holidays are -supposed- to be stressful. they're not. at all. I think more of us need to learn to let go of expectations and learn how to say "no" to things we don't want to do. Yes, we all have obligations and have to do things we don't want to do sometimes, but we CAN limit those things, and we can compromise, too. What is the point of the holidays if we can't do the things we want to do, the things that make us happy? While the holidays are about spending time with family for some, it doesn't always have to be if that's not what you want. Some of us have toxic families, and sometimes they become even more toxic around the holidays. The holidays are a time that we should all have a right to enjoy, and if that means avoiding the people that cause that holiday stress, then so be it. Turn your phones on silent, block their number, do what you have to do.  Take the time to set them aside and say "hey, I have ...

Your reading for Today: More sympathetic than usual, those close to you bend over backwards to understand and support you today, dear REBECCA. Under the benign authority of Temperance, your nearest and dearest avoid difficult conversations, your partner is all ears and copes remarkably well with your changes of mood. Your friends do their best to meet your every need… In short, everyone makes rather a fuss of you, which is all to the good! With your working life under the combined influence of Temperance and the Fool, you’re seeking security and permanence. Slowly but surely, you consolidate what you’ve achieved so far until your position in your post or your field is secure. You may encounter some difficulties, of course, but if you have confidence in yourself, you’ll get through the day unscathed. I wanted to post this because it felt super relevant. I AM seeking security and permanence in a job, which is why I have taken a job at RACC and must leave the SPCA. I also f...

tonight, the new moon is in Scorpio, and it's the astrological Samhain. I did a lot of reflecting the other day for Samhain and my brain has started to prepare for yule and Christmastime.  this time of year always reminds me of my grandma, which is one of the reasons I discussed her in my last post. The new moon in Scorpio also means time for change and new things. It seems appropriate, as I've been hired at two new (one is new-ish) jobs that I'll be starting in the coming weeks, and saying goodbye to the SPCA.  I've only worked there for a few short months, but I have never been so in love with a job.  I have been accepted into the family and it truly feels like home. But alas, money is a real issue for me right now, and I must move on to other things for the time being.   As I've mentioned in previous posts, this year has been a year of newness. I turned 30, I celebrated my first wedding anniversary, we moved to a new city, I've started a new job, and ...

When I was a kid, my grandma gave me brief snippets of what her life was like before I knew her.  I wish that I could still ask her to go into more depth.  I want to know what she would have thought of today's election.  I think she would be proud of all the women standing up.  My grandma was born in 1928, eight years of the passage of the 19th Amendment. She was a firecracker.  I think, in her own way, she was a feminist.  She may not have called herself one, though I really don't recall if she did or not, but her actions and words that I remember lead me to believe that she was a feminist. It's a shame that many of us don't think to ask the important questions until we're older and it's too late. My paternal grandmother passed when I was 19, thus, it's been over ten years.  Though she was aging, it was somewhat unexpected.  We always think we have time, and we really, truly don't. I was different than a lot of kids my age, around me at lea...

Y'ALL. I cannot even express how happy my heart is. While dems were unable to flip Senate, I am blown away by the number of women of color who made historic firsts last night, and the number of lgbtqa people making history in OUR GOVERNMENT. Though resistance is not limited to voting out those trying to strip away the human rights of others, it was such a historic night.  I am literally in tears. AFTER ALL THESE YEARS, two Native American women voted to Congress.  And two Muslim women, the first openly gay governor. I'M JUST SHIT thank you for those of you who went out and performed your civic DUTY and privilege. My heart is truly singing.

Astrological Samhain is coming up in a few days (November 7th).  In appropriate ritualistic fashion, I would like to reflect on some endings and beginnings this year I have experienced. This year, I turned 30 and I celebrated my first wedding anniversary (as you saw from the last post, both were just a few days ago!).  My thesis is nearly complete...just a little bit of style editing to do, and I will be graduating from graduate school this December.  Alex and I also moved to Richmond at the end of July and oh what a wonderful change. I feel so much less confined to the ridiculous social norms our society holds here.  I can walk outside with (gasp!) an arm covered in tattoos and a septum ring, in all black, and not get stared at like a freak. It's such a small thing, and in 2018, I'm sure some of you are surprised that it was a thing at all, but I can't begin to explain the comfort level I've felt in Richmond.  Though I've struggled to find a job that pay...

So this last week, I turned 30 and we celebrated our first wedding anniversary.

I've been having some strange dreams and most of the time my strange dreams are just strange nightmares about nothing that seems to mean much of anything, but these felt different. Last night, I dreamt that I was at my grandma's house.  I have dreams that take place at her house fairly often but in most of them, I can't find her.  There's a feeling that I just missed her and she never comes into view. But this one was different as she was actually there and I could see and hear her voice.  We were getting ready to go somewhere with my grandpa and there was a strange dog outside, it was starving, its hair was falling out, and its skin was red.  Somehow, it had gotten into the backyard and was waiting at the door to be let into her "Florida room" as we called it. But of course, all the pekes were out there and that wasn't going to happen. A very strange person showed up all of a sudden and seemed very ominous and threatening.  I can't remember if he...

Today we went to Hatcher Pass!   I'll let the photos speak for themselves.  Please do not steal these images, as they are my own.  Thanks.

So marijuana is legal in Alaska  and there are a lot of drive through coffee trucks (like, not trucks that move, but trucks that have drive thrus...it's wold) CBD is legal everywhere...but anyway, there's this coffee truck near Ashton's house that has cbd infused coffee and holy god you guys an iced Mexican Mocha with cbd oil in it is my new FAVE.  It's so smooth and delicious, like, shit, man. So good. If you're ever in the Wasilla area, I highly suggest Matanuska Thundercup.

When I was little, I would explore all the nooks and crannies in the spare bedroom at my grandma's house in Winchester.  The chest of drawers was full of treasures--rose-scented lotions, candles, shiny makeup compacts, old business cards, sachets of potpourri, all fascinating to a little girl.  There was one trinket in particular that caught my eye and I begged my grandma to let me keep it: an old skeleton key. My grandma's house wasn't old enough to have locks that would need such a key and I assume it likely came from the house my dad grew up in, making the key that much more mysterious.  I wore the key around my neck on a chain for years, throughout high school.  When my grandma passed away in the summer of 2008, the necklace became a talisman.  I used it to carry her love and light with me and I rarely took it off.  One night, I came home from spending time with friends and the chain broke, the necklace finding its way to the floor.  I h...

I've realized that the reason I never write anymore is because I became uncomfortable with talking about my emotions. In my last relationship, I was never allowed to share them without Austin distancing himself from me.  It contributed to my fear of being even remotely vulnerable. Which, is fine, but it breaks my heart to realize that this is why I don't write anymore. it feels like a talent was stolen from me. A lot of things were stolen from me in that relationship. But it's in the past and now that I've finally realized why I can't seem to write (aside from academic shit), I can begin to fix it. I've been telling myself that if I want more from my relationship, I have to be willing to give more myself.  Because, let's be honest.  I hate feelings.  I hate sharing my feelings. But I have to remember that if I allow myself to feel them and show them, I'll accomplish what it is I want.  You give more, you get more.  If only it were so simple. ...

Today we went to a wildlife refuge nearby in Knik.  Alex bought me a Nikon D3200 years ago so I brought it along with me to play with.  Currently, I'm mostly using the auto settings because it's been so long since I've taken photography classes or had time to mess with a camera, I don't remember what does what! Here are some photos I shot and edited today.  The mountains here are to die for, in case you weren't aware.