new year
I was never one for New Year's
nothing good ever happened
and I never felt much of a reason to make any resolutions. Change can happen anytime, and it seemed to me that putting pressure on oneself all at once to radically change was unrealistic and harmful.
I still feel this way, but over the last few years, I've become much more reflective this time of year. Maybe it's the solstice and the feeling that it's the right time to begin some changes, who knows.
I have always had a hard time being proud of myself. I never felt like anything was good enough and that I could always do better. While it's okay to believe that we can always improve, it's also okay to be proud of ourselves. It's okay to not work ourselves into the ground and it's okay to acknowledge when we do a good job. Otherwise, what is the point of working so hard in the first place?
This year, I want to learn how to be proud of myself and be less concerned with how others feel about my accomplishments. I have always sought validation from others despite being unconcerned with others' opinions from me. I know, it doesn't make any sense.
This year and the year before, I really drove myself into the ground in graduate school, trying to prove that I was someone and that my upbringing did not define me.
I managed to accomplish that and I have since graduated with a master's degree AND a graduate certificate, and I maintained a 3.95 while working two jobs for most of that time. And I haven't felt proud of myself. I haven't let myself enjoy that.
It doesn't help that I'm constantly asked "What's next?" or "What are you going to do with your degree?" or "What are you going to do after grad school?"
I'm gonna be fucking proud of myself. I'm gonna give myself a damn break. This year it's going to be all about taking care of myself. I need to learn what it's like to not feel guilty about taking time for myself or enjoying real free time. I don't know what it feels like to have free time, and over the last few weeks I've been trying to figure it out.
I need to learn to balance days on the couch and productive days and not feel guilty about either.
here's to the new year!
nothing good ever happened
and I never felt much of a reason to make any resolutions. Change can happen anytime, and it seemed to me that putting pressure on oneself all at once to radically change was unrealistic and harmful.
I still feel this way, but over the last few years, I've become much more reflective this time of year. Maybe it's the solstice and the feeling that it's the right time to begin some changes, who knows.
I have always had a hard time being proud of myself. I never felt like anything was good enough and that I could always do better. While it's okay to believe that we can always improve, it's also okay to be proud of ourselves. It's okay to not work ourselves into the ground and it's okay to acknowledge when we do a good job. Otherwise, what is the point of working so hard in the first place?
This year, I want to learn how to be proud of myself and be less concerned with how others feel about my accomplishments. I have always sought validation from others despite being unconcerned with others' opinions from me. I know, it doesn't make any sense.
This year and the year before, I really drove myself into the ground in graduate school, trying to prove that I was someone and that my upbringing did not define me.
I managed to accomplish that and I have since graduated with a master's degree AND a graduate certificate, and I maintained a 3.95 while working two jobs for most of that time. And I haven't felt proud of myself. I haven't let myself enjoy that.
It doesn't help that I'm constantly asked "What's next?" or "What are you going to do with your degree?" or "What are you going to do after grad school?"
I'm gonna be fucking proud of myself. I'm gonna give myself a damn break. This year it's going to be all about taking care of myself. I need to learn what it's like to not feel guilty about taking time for myself or enjoying real free time. I don't know what it feels like to have free time, and over the last few weeks I've been trying to figure it out.
I need to learn to balance days on the couch and productive days and not feel guilty about either.
here's to the new year!
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