Echoes

 This week has been incredibly anxiety-inducing.

Of course, a minute to breathe with the election results, but as a white woman and one who considers myself to be an anti-racist ally, I reposted some stories from Black, Asian, and Indigenous activists and advocates simply reminding white people to not be complacent. 

Someone I considered a friend, who I also work with, responded with "Jesus can we celebrate one damn day?"

This was the first thing I woke up to Sunday morning before work.  Mind you, I consider social media to be a place where we can express our opinions and feelings without an invitation for others to come into our personal space and do the same unless we ask for it.  I do my best to not insert my opinion where it's not asked for on someone's social media and I expect others to respect my social media space the same way.  I also try not to speak to my friends in such a tone as this response conveyed. 

Without rehashing it because I feel I've done so enough, this person initially apologized when I responded with "Can I post what I want in my own story?" but then once I had the time to sit and explain everything I felt I needed to (including asking this person, who is white, to think about why they had such a visceral reaction to an Asian woman reminding white people that Biden/Harris are not the solution to white supremacy and capitalism), the person began gaslighting me, telling me that the response was not angry (it may not have been but ultimately everyone I spoke to agreed that it was rude and certainly not calm or without attitude or anger and I believe how someone perceives you is more important than your intent).  They then began telling me that I was attacking them and making them uncomfortable simply by expressing by feelings.  I was NOT attacking this person at all and was on the contrary, trying to remain calm.  At this point I felt that the conversation wasn't going anywhere, said as much, and left the conversation.  A few hours later, the person texted me expressing an apology BUT then went on to say "some constructive criticism...you get really pissed off when people disagree with you."

...ya should've stopped at "I'm sorry."  Firstly, this person came into MY space with a comment that did NOT come across as polite or respectful.  Secondly, you are not my therapist or partner and nowhere did I ask for YOUR constructive criticism and frankly, this is not the fucking time for you to bring that up?  How disrespectful.  I know what my faults are.  This was never about disagreeing about Biden/Harris, this was about someone I consider a friend coming into my personal space on a post I made with an unsolicited attitude and opinion, then gaslighting me when I expressed my feelings about it.  I have since blocked this person on my phone, as every time my phone chimed, my heart jumped wondering if it was them. 

This is not the first instance like this with this particular person.  This person has also sent alarm bells off in my head in prior interactions, and ultimately, the way I felt with this argument and another was that this person is behaving towards me as my abusive ex did in the past and I will not tolerate it from someone I consider a friend, whom I actually don't even know that well.

Of course, I work with this person and it's difficult to see steps forward.  I do not wish to be friends with this person, at least not at this moment.  Again, I have had alarm bells going off in my head and I will always put myself before others.  I experienced two years of extreme gaslighting and being made to feel as if everything was my fault and I will not tolerate it anymore.  

I feel anxious every morning going into work, wondering if this person is going to try to speak to me, and if so, what will they say and how will I respond? So there's that.

Another thing that has made this week difficult...yesterday our admissions team transferred a beagle/Basset mix that has an incredibly large hernia.  It's so large, it has sores on it from dragging the ground.  She is covered in fleas and filthy.  Yet, she wags her tail when she sees people and doesn't seem to have any fear of us, which almost breaks my heart even more.  She has been neglected and mistreated and yet loves and trusts people, who have obviously let her down. She will be having surgery this morning but our team is unsure if she will live, as the intestines have been hanging down for so long, they may not go back in.  I don't even have words for how heartbroken I am.  I sat in her kennel for an hour yesterday and I cried.  I told her I was so sorry that someone let this happen to her, that she had not been loved.  I gave her kisses and I killed every flea I could see crawling through her dirty yellow-but-should-be-white fur.  I took a million photos of her and I scratched her where she seemed to itch and I rubbed her ears and I said "I love you" over and over again.  I am trying to remind myself that regardless of the outcome today, she will no longer be suffering.  Because she came to us, she had a chance and will no longer be in pain, whether she makes it out of the surgery or not.  I have seen horrific things as a shelter worker, and this probably isn't even the worst.  But my heart breaks for this angel.

I'm hoping that putting it out there in a place where no one I know will see it, just laying it out, will help relieve some of this heart clutching anxiety.