Paper Ghost: Musings of a Restless Girl

The chaos dies down, and quiet returns. We had a nice, quiet holiday.  Grief has sat heavy with me this year.  I let myself cry alone Christmas morning for the first time in...I can't even remember, and it was a nice release. My heart felt just a smidge lighter. I called my dad on Christmas day, much too late.  He was slurring his words and speaking nonsense.  I should've known better than to call in the evening. I got off the phone as quickly as I could, pretending to be mostly unbothered. I wonder what it's like to have at least one parent who isn't an addict?  I suppose that's a feeling I'll never experience. I begin therapy January 17th and I'm quite looking forward to it.  My chest has felt tight and balled up lately.  I feel as if I'm moving through life in a vat of molasses, and I'm hoping to find some relief, maybe some more energy to do the things I want to do. yesterday, reading new books in new jammies with a new comforter! a gorgeous Dece...

 Happy Christmas eve eve eve eve? and almost yule! Yesterday my dad told me he recently discovered he had hepatitis-c. He says he has no idea where it came from (he doesn't have tattoos and as far as I know, he isn't shooting up heroin), and he seems pretty stressed about paying for the treatment.  He also told me something that may indicate that he has prostate cancer? But he didn't make a big deal out of it on the phone and I didn't really know what he was talking about until I got off the phone and googled what he told me (at least what I think he told me). I have never really had a great relationship with my father.  He's an alcoholic and we didn't really get along when I lived at home because he's just an intense, moody, quiet person and being around him is like walking on eggshells. And of course, the drinking just ...well, you know. It makes situations like this difficult for me because I do care about my dad despite, honestly, wishing for his death o...