Paper Ghost: Musings of a Restless Girl

I feel like I say this at the end of every year, but man, this year was rough. I am so exhausted from having worked 7 days a week for like, 9 months. I'm hoping this year will bring about some positive financial change.  While I love working at the SPCA, it's just not fruitful and I am literally killing myself working nonstop.  People need days off. Period. There is so much I want to manifest this year.  I know I constantly talk about wanting to get back into writing but it's just so damn hard.  I don't let myself feel much and after years of repressing it all, it's hard to get back into a place where I take care of myself and my feelings and really FEEL.  I don't know that I've ever really taken care of myself either, so in that aspect, I have to start from scratch. Of course I have money goals, health goals, but I really need to focus on my emotional goals.  I really need to get in and dig deep into what the hell I feel and be open to the idea of vuln...

I drew a tarot spread with no particular question or situation in mind, I just let the deck guide me. My result was shockingly appropriate. The deck I used was The Antique Anatomy, for reference. Page of Rods: Appearance as a situation: on the verge of great discovery about the inner self.  Enthusiasm and inspiration surrounding this journey.  I am in a position to ask myself who I want to be, and what can I do to get there? and, the card indicates I have the support to change.  Queen of Blades: As a situation:  "This card wants you to find the way without help from others"--use the time to be independent.  I am equipped with the skills and information I need and can set a plan into place without letting emotions get in the way. Eight of Coins:  This card provides the courage to pursue new prospects and "start a project in a field you are passionate about."  It serves as a reminder to be as dedicated as possible--learn as much as possible to pr...

" Perhaps you've spent a good portion of your life claiming that your word is bond. It mattered to you that people kept their word, and it mattered to you that you were perceived as someone who kept their word in turn. These kinds of verbal contracts and commitments were forms of intimacy. They allowed for a kind of emotional safety net when other forms of security seemed out of the picture. This past year has taught you a great deal about what intimacy is and what it is not. And, it'll come as no surprise to you that this month aims to further that theme with a heavy focus on — what else? — your vows. Most people have no idea the length and width of the vows you make them, but they are extensive, aren't they? You make a vow to your friends when they are in ill health. You make a vow that you will only buy eco-responsible creamer. You make a vow and, by goddess, you hate to break it. Scorpio, your word might be ironclad, but your spirit is water. Your spirit, despi...

And here we are, weeks later and I still haven't updated 😅 It's the last month of the year and the decade so I suppose I should do something productive here, right? I've been stuck in this non-writing, unmotivated hole for years.  I blame school, honestly.  It's like I forgot how to do anything other than write academically. This year was not great. I've struggled financially more than I think I ever have (I mean, my damn car got repossessed, so). I did get promoted to full time at my job, something I really wanted from the day I started, but it doesn't pay the bills. I've struggled with my love for what I do as an animal care technician and the need to be financially stable. I've worked almost every day with few breaks since March and it's left me burned out and angry, with little time or motivation to do anything else.  I've applied for many jobs in my field and haven't even made to an interview, something I've never had an issu...