Paper Ghost: Musings of a Restless Girl

The chaos dies down, and quiet returns. We had a nice, quiet holiday.  Grief has sat heavy with me this year.  I let myself cry alone Christmas morning for the first time in...I can't even remember, and it was a nice release. My heart felt just a smidge lighter. I called my dad on Christmas day, much too late.  He was slurring his words and speaking nonsense.  I should've known better than to call in the evening. I got off the phone as quickly as I could, pretending to be mostly unbothered. I wonder what it's like to have at least one parent who isn't an addict?  I suppose that's a feeling I'll never experience. I begin therapy January 17th and I'm quite looking forward to it.  My chest has felt tight and balled up lately.  I feel as if I'm moving through life in a vat of molasses, and I'm hoping to find some relief, maybe some more energy to do the things I want to do. yesterday, reading new books in new jammies with a new comforter! a gorgeous Dece...

 Happy Christmas eve eve eve eve? and almost yule! Yesterday my dad told me he recently discovered he had hepatitis-c. He says he has no idea where it came from (he doesn't have tattoos and as far as I know, he isn't shooting up heroin), and he seems pretty stressed about paying for the treatment.  He also told me something that may indicate that he has prostate cancer? But he didn't make a big deal out of it on the phone and I didn't really know what he was talking about until I got off the phone and googled what he told me (at least what I think he told me). I have never really had a great relationship with my father.  He's an alcoholic and we didn't really get along when I lived at home because he's just an intense, moody, quiet person and being around him is like walking on eggshells. And of course, the drinking just ...well, you know. It makes situations like this difficult for me because I do care about my dad despite, honestly, wishing for his death o...

 Happy October! I wish I could report an autumn chill in the air, but sadly it's 84 degrees outside. I feel like I can't make one post without mentioning climate change but it does seem to be impacting all of our seasons more and more each year in Virginia, and it breaks my heart. But on a positive note, I've been making some delicious food.  Yesterday I made a four cheese stuffed spaghetti squash from Half Baked Harvest  that was absolutely divine.  Today, I'm making an herb and cheese stuffed pork tenderloin.   It's been thundering for the last hour but the sun keeps insisting it be seen.  I'm kind of hoping for a thunderstorm, at least that would make it feel a little more cozy. We have big plans this October! I'm in my friend Lori's wedding mid-month, though I'm a little anxious about that with covid.  The ceremony is outside though and I don't believe I'll be staying for the reception, as it's inside, unfortunately.  Then we'll b...

 a turquoise shimmer salt and brine ladybugs drift across the dunes a broken fence creaks. the sky darkens as if a blooming bruise across a goose fleshed thigh, the air cools and thickens like a deep breath, the sun's, a last promise as it sinks beneath the clouds, a drop of rain splashes on that same naked thigh as lightning fluoresces across the sky, a crackling heat, a fearful shriek and a laugh, they run, sand kicking away from their heels, the storm has come.

 " I've been longing for the sea - some days I wake up and feel my mouth full of brine - feel like I could pull ribbons of seaweed from my throat. I want to collect shells and hold them up to my ear to hear waves thunder to the beat of my hearts blood in my ear - I want to forage for sea glass, I want to feel the comforting sinking of the sand on the shoreline beneath my feet. I want to wade out as far as I can and feel the water push my hair around my shoulders - I want to feel weightless."-Via Jess Schnabel, bloodmilk jewels. these words hit hard. Bloodmilk just released a collection of strands inspired by the sea, entitled "our hearts, lost at sea." The description above is in reference to the strand I chose, "dreaming of the sea," t hough I believe this strand chose me. This time of year, I'm usually itching for the beach, the ocean.  The piscine scent of sea weed, the briney ocean air lifting my spirits, carrying my thoughts to a place where t...

 Source:https://visualmagic.info/portfolio/february-2021-tarotscopes/ Scorpio Queen of Wands What you deny yourself is often a symbol of that which could most break your heart. Going after the fire could also open your heart more than ever. An infusion of joy is on its way to you. Will you let it come in? You’ve been holding back on instigating a particular pleasure cascade. Why? There’s a part of you that is scared to begin letting yourself embody what you love. You fear that seeing yourself, or your first trial runs, as less than perfect will be far too much to bear. The last thing you ever want is to be embarrassed by doing something you care about so much, so imperfectly. The last thing you want to feel is shame or humiliation that is out of your control, made public, or traceable in some way. So denial becomes the norm until you sometimes even forget about what you even wanted in the first place. The Queen of Wands is the water of fire. February is a month where you can plunge...

 You know,  I think one of the worst things about being the victim of emotional and psychological violence (or any kind of violence) is seeing people that you used to be close to (or really anyone, close or not) worship this person.  This person can manipulate anyone around them and people just eat it up. I ate it up. Now I want to regurgitate it up. expel it.  move in reverse so it was never ingested. not being able to show other people the bile  is its own sickness  feeling like you have to prove your truth

 What a world. An attempted coup by abunch of neonazis angry because they lost. I'm saving my breath.  I've said enough about this and I am still somewhat at a loss. Today I want to keep a positive attitude.  Catherine spoke to me last week.  At first, harmless.  She asked how my holiday went, we had some chit chat, small talk, regular work acquaintance chatting.  Then as she left, she said she missed me.  I felt like a deer in the headlights, as the saying goes. I was incredibly uncomfortable and the feeling is not reciprocated.  On the contrary, I had just had the fleeting thought days before that I was glad I wasn't getting her texts and having to deal with her anymore.  She stresses me out.  I stumbled and stuttered and said, "We can talk someday" and she started at me, as if that wasn't the answer she wanted.  Stupidly and regrettably, I then mumbled "I missed you too..." and then she left. She has only spoken to me a few times...

 I've gained an inch in my waist and two inches in my hips.   I have not gained weight. I could chalk some of it up to being bloated, but I am discouraged. I am also invigorated.  It's the new year, is this not the time? We did 23 minutes of boxing today and I've eaten a fruit or vegetable(s) at each meal. the sugar is the hard part. I am going to do this. I am tired of feeling like a stranger in my body.  And I ain't gettin any younger.

 3 things I am grateful for today: I am really appreciating the extra time off work.  Though it's the result of a stressful event (a covid exposure), I really needed the time to try and relax and just be away from my job.  I am dreading going back less than I was initially.  I feel more refreshed and ready to do my job and help save lives. I am also grateful for the time we've been able to spend outside.  We went on a beautiful little hike after Christmas at Brown's Gap.  I could stare at the creek forever, the ice cold mountain water cascading over the rocks, icicles dangling from fallen trees, and snow patches littered across the rocks.  We climbed to the top of a summit, and were able to catch a stunning few of the mountains across the valley.  I am also incredibly grateful that we have largely been untouched by this virus.  We have maintained our income, allowing the stimulus to be used to pay other debts rather than having to choose betw...