Paper Ghost: Musings of a Restless Girl

 What would make me happy right now? A new job.  A purpose. A lack of anxiety.   So many things. I feel lost.  It's a new year.  It feels wrong.   Sometimes it feels like failure.  I got this job I (kind of) wanted.  I should've known better than to try out of desperation.  But I guess part of me also thought maybe it would work out.  Maybe it would be a new calling.  Maybe it's because I went into knowing it wasn't the end goal? I don't know, but I need out. 

 "what are two negative thoughts you don't want anymore" I'm so tired of the doom and gloom.  I'm tired of feeling like our society is careening to apocalypse, between the pandemic, climate change, neoNazis, etc. etc. it just all feels so hopeless all the time. a second thought I'm tired of is fear of aging.  I'm trying to exercise and eat better, which goes okay-ish but sometimes when I get pains or have difficulty during or from working out, i'm concerned that my age is the problem.

 I have been struggling with my anxiety these last few days. A few days ago, I could hear my heart beating so heavily in my chest and I felt like I was going to come out of my skin. I've been getting chest pains on and off for a month or so now, but last night and this morning, it hurts to take a deep breath. I gotta say, I'm really looking forward to that appointment the 17th.  Though I'm also very nervous.  As someone who is terrified of vulnerability and also uncomfortable around strangers, it'll be nerve-racking spilling my guts to someone I don't know at all who is specifically there TO listen to me do exactly that😅 we got snow yesterday!  It's so wild because it was in the 70s all week and over the weekend and then it snowed for hours yesterday and is now 20 degrees outside. I love it! There are few things more beautiful to me than the snow slowly accumulating on tree branches. I finished rewatching Dexter and am caught up on the new season, New Blood and...

 well the first day of the year was mostly successful. I didn't buy anything that wasn't necessary and I did spend a lot more time away from my computer...reading, putting laundry away, etc. Woo! I also stayed off facebook.  I've logged out on both my computer and phone to lessen the temptation.  I catch myself opening facebook in a new tab and I'm like wait, no. The weather has been insane. It was 76 inside last night and we were roasting.  It's been raining heavily which I'm okay with, and then tomorrow it's supposed to be down in the forties and snow! After being in the 70s all weekend.  I will welcome the snow with open arms and snow boots though.  Hoping for a four day weekend? and some winter weather! oh, and I made this yesterday with a stick I've been drying out for months, and some of my dried roses!

 a. My favorite memory from 2021 My favorite memory is definitely our trip to Salem.  When we crossed into Massachusetts, I felt like my heart would explode.  It felt like my soul was coming home to a place it had not been in far too long.  The gorgeous foliage, the kindness of people, the rocky, rustic, salty seaside town of Rockport.  I absolutely cannot wait to go back this June.  It's something to look forward to, without a doubt.  I can feel my heart swelling with joy just thinking about it.   b.  Something I am most proud of from 2021 Though my appointment isn't until January 17th, I made the first step towards beginning therapy and helping my brain.  I feel like I have spent so much of the last few years sludging through molasses, and while some of that I can easily blame on the pandemic, because let's face it, it's been fucking DIFFICULT, I have not been kind to myself either.  I'm excited to begin the journey to keepin...

The chaos dies down, and quiet returns. We had a nice, quiet holiday.  Grief has sat heavy with me this year.  I let myself cry alone Christmas morning for the first time in...I can't even remember, and it was a nice release. My heart felt just a smidge lighter. I called my dad on Christmas day, much too late.  He was slurring his words and speaking nonsense.  I should've known better than to call in the evening. I got off the phone as quickly as I could, pretending to be mostly unbothered. I wonder what it's like to have at least one parent who isn't an addict?  I suppose that's a feeling I'll never experience. I begin therapy January 17th and I'm quite looking forward to it.  My chest has felt tight and balled up lately.  I feel as if I'm moving through life in a vat of molasses, and I'm hoping to find some relief, maybe some more energy to do the things I want to do. yesterday, reading new books in new jammies with a new comforter! a gorgeous Dece...

 Happy Christmas eve eve eve eve? and almost yule! Yesterday my dad told me he recently discovered he had hepatitis-c. He says he has no idea where it came from (he doesn't have tattoos and as far as I know, he isn't shooting up heroin), and he seems pretty stressed about paying for the treatment.  He also told me something that may indicate that he has prostate cancer? But he didn't make a big deal out of it on the phone and I didn't really know what he was talking about until I got off the phone and googled what he told me (at least what I think he told me). I have never really had a great relationship with my father.  He's an alcoholic and we didn't really get along when I lived at home because he's just an intense, moody, quiet person and being around him is like walking on eggshells. And of course, the drinking just ...well, you know. It makes situations like this difficult for me because I do care about my dad despite, honestly, wishing for his death o...

 Happy October! I wish I could report an autumn chill in the air, but sadly it's 84 degrees outside. I feel like I can't make one post without mentioning climate change but it does seem to be impacting all of our seasons more and more each year in Virginia, and it breaks my heart. But on a positive note, I've been making some delicious food.  Yesterday I made a four cheese stuffed spaghetti squash from Half Baked Harvest  that was absolutely divine.  Today, I'm making an herb and cheese stuffed pork tenderloin.   It's been thundering for the last hour but the sun keeps insisting it be seen.  I'm kind of hoping for a thunderstorm, at least that would make it feel a little more cozy. We have big plans this October! I'm in my friend Lori's wedding mid-month, though I'm a little anxious about that with covid.  The ceremony is outside though and I don't believe I'll be staying for the reception, as it's inside, unfortunately.  Then we'll b...

 a turquoise shimmer salt and brine ladybugs drift across the dunes a broken fence creaks. the sky darkens as if a blooming bruise across a goose fleshed thigh, the air cools and thickens like a deep breath, the sun's, a last promise as it sinks beneath the clouds, a drop of rain splashes on that same naked thigh as lightning fluoresces across the sky, a crackling heat, a fearful shriek and a laugh, they run, sand kicking away from their heels, the storm has come.

 " I've been longing for the sea - some days I wake up and feel my mouth full of brine - feel like I could pull ribbons of seaweed from my throat. I want to collect shells and hold them up to my ear to hear waves thunder to the beat of my hearts blood in my ear - I want to forage for sea glass, I want to feel the comforting sinking of the sand on the shoreline beneath my feet. I want to wade out as far as I can and feel the water push my hair around my shoulders - I want to feel weightless."-Via Jess Schnabel, bloodmilk jewels. these words hit hard. Bloodmilk just released a collection of strands inspired by the sea, entitled "our hearts, lost at sea." The description above is in reference to the strand I chose, "dreaming of the sea," t hough I believe this strand chose me. This time of year, I'm usually itching for the beach, the ocean.  The piscine scent of sea weed, the briney ocean air lifting my spirits, carrying my thoughts to a place where t...

 Source:https://visualmagic.info/portfolio/february-2021-tarotscopes/ Scorpio Queen of Wands What you deny yourself is often a symbol of that which could most break your heart. Going after the fire could also open your heart more than ever. An infusion of joy is on its way to you. Will you let it come in? You’ve been holding back on instigating a particular pleasure cascade. Why? There’s a part of you that is scared to begin letting yourself embody what you love. You fear that seeing yourself, or your first trial runs, as less than perfect will be far too much to bear. The last thing you ever want is to be embarrassed by doing something you care about so much, so imperfectly. The last thing you want to feel is shame or humiliation that is out of your control, made public, or traceable in some way. So denial becomes the norm until you sometimes even forget about what you even wanted in the first place. The Queen of Wands is the water of fire. February is a month where you can plunge...

 You know,  I think one of the worst things about being the victim of emotional and psychological violence (or any kind of violence) is seeing people that you used to be close to (or really anyone, close or not) worship this person.  This person can manipulate anyone around them and people just eat it up. I ate it up. Now I want to regurgitate it up. expel it.  move in reverse so it was never ingested. not being able to show other people the bile  is its own sickness  feeling like you have to prove your truth

 What a world. An attempted coup by abunch of neonazis angry because they lost. I'm saving my breath.  I've said enough about this and I am still somewhat at a loss. Today I want to keep a positive attitude.  Catherine spoke to me last week.  At first, harmless.  She asked how my holiday went, we had some chit chat, small talk, regular work acquaintance chatting.  Then as she left, she said she missed me.  I felt like a deer in the headlights, as the saying goes. I was incredibly uncomfortable and the feeling is not reciprocated.  On the contrary, I had just had the fleeting thought days before that I was glad I wasn't getting her texts and having to deal with her anymore.  She stresses me out.  I stumbled and stuttered and said, "We can talk someday" and she started at me, as if that wasn't the answer she wanted.  Stupidly and regrettably, I then mumbled "I missed you too..." and then she left. She has only spoken to me a few times...

 I've gained an inch in my waist and two inches in my hips.   I have not gained weight. I could chalk some of it up to being bloated, but I am discouraged. I am also invigorated.  It's the new year, is this not the time? We did 23 minutes of boxing today and I've eaten a fruit or vegetable(s) at each meal. the sugar is the hard part. I am going to do this. I am tired of feeling like a stranger in my body.  And I ain't gettin any younger.

 3 things I am grateful for today: I am really appreciating the extra time off work.  Though it's the result of a stressful event (a covid exposure), I really needed the time to try and relax and just be away from my job.  I am dreading going back less than I was initially.  I feel more refreshed and ready to do my job and help save lives. I am also grateful for the time we've been able to spend outside.  We went on a beautiful little hike after Christmas at Brown's Gap.  I could stare at the creek forever, the ice cold mountain water cascading over the rocks, icicles dangling from fallen trees, and snow patches littered across the rocks.  We climbed to the top of a summit, and were able to catch a stunning few of the mountains across the valley.  I am also incredibly grateful that we have largely been untouched by this virus.  We have maintained our income, allowing the stimulus to be used to pay other debts rather than having to choose betw...

 Saving for reference, as it's especially poignant right now  (source: https://visualmagic.info/portfolio/january-tarotscopes/) Witches and quantum physicists know that time is not linear. Our relationship with time is a complex one. We are both confined by   and   transcend time. All artists and magicians know that creativity allows us to collaborate with time, not lament it. What rituals, creative projects, and new years do is mark time: an agreed-upon line is drawn in the sand to step—or crawl—over. Depending on your own particular circumstance, this month could serve as a fresh beginning, or it could still be serving some issues from the past that need to get addressed. What we all have in common is that we all need 2020 to be over, and we all have our own set of lessons from this time to remember. While 2021 will still have much of the same struggles as the year before, the monster we know is easier to conquer than the one we don’t. This year, flexibility will b...

 This week has been incredibly anxiety-inducing. Of course, a minute to breathe with the election results, but as a white woman and one who considers myself to be an anti-racist ally, I reposted some stories from Black, Asian, and Indigenous activists and advocates simply reminding white people to not be complacent.  Someone I considered a friend, who I also work with, responded with "Jesus can we celebrate one damn day?" This was the first thing I woke up to Sunday morning before work.  Mind you, I consider social media to be a place where we can express our opinions and feelings without an invitation for others to come into our personal space and do the same unless we ask for it.  I do my best to not insert my opinion where it's not asked for on someone's social media and I expect others to respect my social media space the same way.  I also try not to speak to my friends in such a tone as this response conveyed.  Without rehashing it because I feel I've ...

 The weather is changing, but I have doubts that it will stay. With climate change, the earth is warming.  Hot temperature last longer into the autumn,  and leaves keep their chlorophyll shade until November. Gone seem to be the chilly, golden days of September.  But today, it is cool, and I am basking in this small promise of autumn. We are still enduring the covid-19 pandemic. I'm not sure how this will impact my favorite time and seasons, but I don't think we'll be seeing much of family this year.  I can't help but think of those who are aging and how terrible it must be to be quarantined, living your last year or two inside and away from loved ones. Of course, there are a lot of young people (and older, really) who are either pretending they don't believe in it, actually don't believe in it (I don't know how you can just not "believe in" a fucking disease but, you know), or just don't think it's a big enough deal to follow scientific ad...

the world is on fire. maybe it always has been and we're just noticing it. I think that's more likely. humans have always been horrible to each other. My body hurts, my brain hurts. Stiff, tight, sore, strained.  the heat is boiling my skin, and I dread the coming years.

I feel like I say this at the end of every year, but man, this year was rough. I am so exhausted from having worked 7 days a week for like, 9 months. I'm hoping this year will bring about some positive financial change.  While I love working at the SPCA, it's just not fruitful and I am literally killing myself working nonstop.  People need days off. Period. There is so much I want to manifest this year.  I know I constantly talk about wanting to get back into writing but it's just so damn hard.  I don't let myself feel much and after years of repressing it all, it's hard to get back into a place where I take care of myself and my feelings and really FEEL.  I don't know that I've ever really taken care of myself either, so in that aspect, I have to start from scratch. Of course I have money goals, health goals, but I really need to focus on my emotional goals.  I really need to get in and dig deep into what the hell I feel and be open to the idea of vuln...