Paper Ghost: Musings of a Restless Girl

I drew a tarot spread with no particular question or situation in mind, I just let the deck guide me. My result was shockingly appropriate. The deck I used was The Antique Anatomy, for reference. Page of Rods: Appearance as a situation: on the verge of great discovery about the inner self.  Enthusiasm and inspiration surrounding this journey.  I am in a position to ask myself who I want to be, and what can I do to get there? and, the card indicates I have the support to change.  Queen of Blades: As a situation:  "This card wants you to find the way without help from others"--use the time to be independent.  I am equipped with the skills and information I need and can set a plan into place without letting emotions get in the way. Eight of Coins:  This card provides the courage to pursue new prospects and "start a project in a field you are passionate about."  It serves as a reminder to be as dedicated as possible--learn as much as possible to pr...

BloodMilk is releasing a special series of rose quartz jewels today. Rose Quartz has always resonated with me, though when prompted to explore my connections to it, I could not pinpoint anything beyond associations with my birthday and my grandma.  I know that RQ is symbolic of love, but I wasn't sure what else. BM's post and collection has led me to begin exploring my associations a little deeper. My immediate connections are as I said, my grandma. She loved pink and she loved roses, she loved jewelry and stones. She gave me a bracelet with large rose quartz stones on it one year, a bracelet that I have brought out numerous times to wear with me on days where I felt I needed her strength. 2018 marked the passage of ten years since her death, the bracelet broke during this year as well. I was devastated. I have always read that rose quartz is a birthstone for October as well, my second association with the stone. My closest friends have October birthdays as well, as does ...

1.  This one is easy--exercise!  I love the fresh feeling of a good workout.  I know that might sound weird because good workouts tend to be a little sweaty and maybe a little gross, but it makes me feel so fresh and really, REfreshed.  I never regret a workout.  And it does so much for my mental health. 2. Create.  I should be more specific with this because there's SO many things I want to create.  I would like to get back into drawing, I want to learn how to knit, I want to remember how to use my camera on any setting other than auto.  I need to get back in my creative space.  There are so many things I've wanted to do for years and I haven't really had the time or energy with school.  Now is the time. 3. Go outside.  I want to go camping, I want to go hiking, swimming, biking!  Again, haven't had the time or energy. It's time. 4. Eat vegetables.  This is self-explanatory! 5.  Be present.  I'm often st...

tonight, the new moon is in Scorpio, and it's the astrological Samhain. I did a lot of reflecting the other day for Samhain and my brain has started to prepare for yule and Christmastime.  this time of year always reminds me of my grandma, which is one of the reasons I discussed her in my last post. The new moon in Scorpio also means time for change and new things. It seems appropriate, as I've been hired at two new (one is new-ish) jobs that I'll be starting in the coming weeks, and saying goodbye to the SPCA.  I've only worked there for a few short months, but I have never been so in love with a job.  I have been accepted into the family and it truly feels like home. But alas, money is a real issue for me right now, and I must move on to other things for the time being.   As I've mentioned in previous posts, this year has been a year of newness. I turned 30, I celebrated my first wedding anniversary, we moved to a new city, I've started a new job, and ...

Astrological Samhain is coming up in a few days (November 7th).  In appropriate ritualistic fashion, I would like to reflect on some endings and beginnings this year I have experienced. This year, I turned 30 and I celebrated my first wedding anniversary (as you saw from the last post, both were just a few days ago!).  My thesis is nearly complete...just a little bit of style editing to do, and I will be graduating from graduate school this December.  Alex and I also moved to Richmond at the end of July and oh what a wonderful change. I feel so much less confined to the ridiculous social norms our society holds here.  I can walk outside with (gasp!) an arm covered in tattoos and a septum ring, in all black, and not get stared at like a freak. It's such a small thing, and in 2018, I'm sure some of you are surprised that it was a thing at all, but I can't begin to explain the comfort level I've felt in Richmond.  Though I've struggled to find a job that pay...

I've realized that the reason I never write anymore is because I became uncomfortable with talking about my emotions. In my last relationship, I was never allowed to share them without Austin distancing himself from me.  It contributed to my fear of being even remotely vulnerable. Which, is fine, but it breaks my heart to realize that this is why I don't write anymore. it feels like a talent was stolen from me. A lot of things were stolen from me in that relationship. But it's in the past and now that I've finally realized why I can't seem to write (aside from academic shit), I can begin to fix it. I've been telling myself that if I want more from my relationship, I have to be willing to give more myself.  Because, let's be honest.  I hate feelings.  I hate sharing my feelings. But I have to remember that if I allow myself to feel them and show them, I'll accomplish what it is I want.  You give more, you get more.  If only it were so simple. ...

So I lost my other blog that I tried to start as part of my New Years resolution, lawl. Can't remember which email I started with and none of my logins are taking me to that blog. I can't even remember the name or url. Whoops. Oh well. So, I'm visiting my best friend in Alaska as an early graduation present to myself and it is as amazing as last time. Her pigs are adorbs. It's still a little chilly (like 50's) and brown but it's getting greener everyday! I'll have to post some pictures when I get a chance.

So I graduated from ODU Friday, May 6th.  :) I still have a 4.0 gpa.  Woo.  For once in my life, I feel really proud of myself. I don't feel much different, really, but I'm enjoying the break.  My summer class starts the 16th and then I begin my Master of Arts in Applied Sociology this fall. I began working a new job for the City of Norfolk in April.  It's been pretty exciting but difficult.  I work at a shelter and sometimes it's heartbreaking.  It's very physically demanding but that part, I'm okay with.  It can also be very rewarding. We adopted a pooch!  I can't recall if I already posted it, but she's ridiculous and adorable.  She's also being treated for heartworms.  Yum. I've been working on my fitness some more, 'cause I'm a little over feeling like a sack of lard. Down three pounds so far!  I'm still going to work towards my goal of 120. I've been reading lots of books!  I've made it a go...

I suppose it's the time of year to reflect on the year that has ended. My goal at the beginning of 2015 was to put up with less bullshit. I did it. I quit PetSmart, I told my mom that her flaky style of mothering and giving little fucks about her children was not acceptable in my life. I told Alex we need to be financially stable or it's done. and, This year, I fell in love again with the boy I plan to spend my life with, I went kayaking for the first time, I maintained a 4.0 GPA at ODU while working full time, I moved to Norfolk, dealt with an insane neighbor, moved into another apartment in the same complex, discovered new, delicious foods, small businesses, I discovered I like (some) sushi, I went to my first hockey game, I grieved for lost animals, I have slowly learned my way around Hampton Roads (sort of) My dad nearly bled to death, and as a result, stopped smoking and drinking, I learned people can truly change.  rest in peace, Wafflebear. W...

I feel like I only come here when I'm down. But usually happiness doesn't supply many eloquent thoughts? or some shit. I don't know. I feel outside of my own skin again.  I gained some weight back and though it isn't that much, I still feel awful about it and I feel disgusting. I feel as if this is my most stressful semester of school like...ever, and it's been impossible to find time to exercise, time to eat properly and cook healthy meals ( (I hate the word "meals," I have no idea why), much less log the calories I do consume.  I spend all of my time (trying to) sleep, doing school work, and working.  And I'm still broke anyway. I was super excited about beginning the grad school process and the prospect of earning my bachelor's in May and now I'm just over it all.  I'm exhausted. Even the things I enjoy seem like chores. I know going to the gym would help in a plethora of ways but I can't seem to find the energy or time to do s...

a. I am grateful that October is two days away. b. I am grateful that my father is alive. c. I am grateful that I have the opportunity to go to ODU.

So the end of the semester and our time in Harrisonburg is upon us! I have two finals left and I will have successfully completed my first semester at ODU. My last day at PetSmart is November 23rd and it is bittersweet. The store has gone through many staff changes and switches in the 6 years that I've worked there. Currently, it honestly kind of sucks, but there are people I will miss, to be certain. We are going down to Norfolk in a week to look at a few apartments and hopefully sign a lease. I am excited, anxious, and stressed. I am ready for change, though.

This time of year gets especially difficult. I used to spend Christmas break at my grandma Mimi's house and I looked forward to it more than just about anything else. I miss waking up to the smell of coffee drifting down the hall to my bedroom.  The sound was even comforting. Of course, this was not the first time I'd wake up in the morning as there was always a chorus of pekingese expressing their interest in going outside, my Buffy scratching at the door begging to join. I miss going around switching on all of the tree lights, as she had more than one beautiful Christmas tree. She also had porcelain dolls holding candles that would sway back and forth at the turn of an on-switch.  Many might find it creepy, but I found it heartwarming. Later in the day, she'd help me tear the bread for stuffing, and give the turkey a "shot" as we called it.  Her rolls were my favorite, soft and warm, moist and scrumptious. Her house was always warm and inviting.  She let ...

I don't know why it's so hard for me to get into writing again. I used to spend hours on blogs and online journals pouring my heart out. Something changed me and made me feel like it's strange to put it where I can go back to it. Something made me feel weird about my own feelings. I don't like it. I miss being an open book, at least to myself. I'm trying though. I am so stressed about money right now. I'm 26 years old and I feel like I'm working for the same wages I was when I had my first job. I feel like I work my ass off for nothing. This month marks six years at PetSmart. I have had enough. I need to get out soon. I need to move on to better (paying) things.

This is an attempt to start my day off with some positivity. I am grateful for the fact that I have fresh fall coffee to make this morning and that I have this lovely mug to put it in: I am grateful for the fact that I can wake up to the love of my life every day and go to sleep with him by my side every night. I am grateful to have my fat, fluffy, passive aggressive cat, and my chunky bunny. I am grateful that in two months I'll be leaving and moving onto better things. I am grateful that I have friends who care enough about me to drive hours to my house, despite not having seen me for over a year.  I am grateful for having been able to pay rent this month and to have gone on a vacation with my boylove, despite the fact that I was stressed about it.   I am grateful we have jobs and hopeful that we can pay our bills next month. I am grateful for Halloween  and friends who help out when we need it.  I am grateful that I've had the motiv...

I have been in a not so great place mentally, as of late. I think I have a tendency to shut myself off when something happens that I don't want to/can't deal with. After we put Buffy to sleep in May, I just haven't been able to get back to normal. I think the fact that I'm so fed up with my job and this area has contributed to the sadness I've felt. Sometimes I don't/can't feel anything and that's almost worse, I think. It was a mild summer so I should be grateful for that. Fall is beginning and I should be grateful for that, too. I have been doing a little bit of crafting, making some decor for the house and others who are interested. here's a peek: I have been trying to get excited for things to come but it comes and goes. I bought tickets for Alex and me to see Placebo, my all time favorites.  I've been waiting for this since I was a teenager but it's hard for me to muster the excitement that I know should be there but isn...