Paper Ghost: Musings of a Restless Girl

 Happy October! I wish I could report an autumn chill in the air, but sadly it's 84 degrees outside. I feel like I can't make one post without mentioning climate change but it does seem to be impacting all of our seasons more and more each year in Virginia, and it breaks my heart. But on a positive note, I've been making some delicious food.  Yesterday I made a four cheese stuffed spaghetti squash from Half Baked Harvest  that was absolutely divine.  Today, I'm making an herb and cheese stuffed pork tenderloin.   It's been thundering for the last hour but the sun keeps insisting it be seen.  I'm kind of hoping for a thunderstorm, at least that would make it feel a little more cozy. We have big plans this October! I'm in my friend Lori's wedding mid-month, though I'm a little anxious about that with covid.  The ceremony is outside though and I don't believe I'll be staying for the reception, as it's inside, unfortunately.  Then we'll b...

 a turquoise shimmer salt and brine ladybugs drift across the dunes a broken fence creaks. the sky darkens as if a blooming bruise across a goose fleshed thigh, the air cools and thickens like a deep breath, the sun's, a last promise as it sinks beneath the clouds, a drop of rain splashes on that same naked thigh as lightning fluoresces across the sky, a crackling heat, a fearful shriek and a laugh, they run, sand kicking away from their heels, the storm has come.

 " I've been longing for the sea - some days I wake up and feel my mouth full of brine - feel like I could pull ribbons of seaweed from my throat. I want to collect shells and hold them up to my ear to hear waves thunder to the beat of my hearts blood in my ear - I want to forage for sea glass, I want to feel the comforting sinking of the sand on the shoreline beneath my feet. I want to wade out as far as I can and feel the water push my hair around my shoulders - I want to feel weightless."-Via Jess Schnabel, bloodmilk jewels. these words hit hard. Bloodmilk just released a collection of strands inspired by the sea, entitled "our hearts, lost at sea." The description above is in reference to the strand I chose, "dreaming of the sea," t hough I believe this strand chose me. This time of year, I'm usually itching for the beach, the ocean.  The piscine scent of sea weed, the briney ocean air lifting my spirits, carrying my thoughts to a place where t...

 Source:https://visualmagic.info/portfolio/february-2021-tarotscopes/ Scorpio Queen of Wands What you deny yourself is often a symbol of that which could most break your heart. Going after the fire could also open your heart more than ever. An infusion of joy is on its way to you. Will you let it come in? You’ve been holding back on instigating a particular pleasure cascade. Why? There’s a part of you that is scared to begin letting yourself embody what you love. You fear that seeing yourself, or your first trial runs, as less than perfect will be far too much to bear. The last thing you ever want is to be embarrassed by doing something you care about so much, so imperfectly. The last thing you want to feel is shame or humiliation that is out of your control, made public, or traceable in some way. So denial becomes the norm until you sometimes even forget about what you even wanted in the first place. The Queen of Wands is the water of fire. February is a month where you can plunge...

 You know,  I think one of the worst things about being the victim of emotional and psychological violence (or any kind of violence) is seeing people that you used to be close to (or really anyone, close or not) worship this person.  This person can manipulate anyone around them and people just eat it up. I ate it up. Now I want to regurgitate it up. expel it.  move in reverse so it was never ingested. not being able to show other people the bile  is its own sickness  feeling like you have to prove your truth

 What a world. An attempted coup by abunch of neonazis angry because they lost. I'm saving my breath.  I've said enough about this and I am still somewhat at a loss. Today I want to keep a positive attitude.  Catherine spoke to me last week.  At first, harmless.  She asked how my holiday went, we had some chit chat, small talk, regular work acquaintance chatting.  Then as she left, she said she missed me.  I felt like a deer in the headlights, as the saying goes. I was incredibly uncomfortable and the feeling is not reciprocated.  On the contrary, I had just had the fleeting thought days before that I was glad I wasn't getting her texts and having to deal with her anymore.  She stresses me out.  I stumbled and stuttered and said, "We can talk someday" and she started at me, as if that wasn't the answer she wanted.  Stupidly and regrettably, I then mumbled "I missed you too..." and then she left. She has only spoken to me a few times...

 I've gained an inch in my waist and two inches in my hips.   I have not gained weight. I could chalk some of it up to being bloated, but I am discouraged. I am also invigorated.  It's the new year, is this not the time? We did 23 minutes of boxing today and I've eaten a fruit or vegetable(s) at each meal. the sugar is the hard part. I am going to do this. I am tired of feeling like a stranger in my body.  And I ain't gettin any younger.