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Showing posts from 2015
I have been thinking so much lately about everything and I am not happy. I am not happy with myself I'm not happy with Alex I'm not happy with my job I'm anxious, restless, gaining weight back, and I some of it I know how to fix some of it I don't. and for the things I do know how to fix, I can't seem to find the energy, time, or motivation to do so.
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I feel like I only come here when I'm down. But usually happiness doesn't supply many eloquent thoughts? or some shit. I don't know. I feel outside of my own skin again.  I gained some weight back and though it isn't that much, I still feel awful about it and I feel disgusting. I feel as if this is my most stressful semester of school like...ever, and it's been impossible to find time to exercise, time to eat properly and cook healthy meals ( (I hate the word "meals," I have no idea why), much less log the calories I do consume.  I spend all of my time (trying to) sleep, doing school work, and working.  And I'm still broke anyway. I was super excited about beginning the grad school process and the prospect of earning my bachelor's in May and now I'm just over it all.  I'm exhausted. Even the things I enjoy seem like chores. I know going to the gym would help in a plethora of ways but I can't seem to find the energy or time to do s...
I am really struggling right now.
sometimes I still think about you. but you're on the other side of the country basically and your life is promised away. we never were, anyway.
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a lot has been going on lately It has not been the best of Octobers but I'm trying to squeeze as much goodness as I can out of it in this last week that remains. Here are some photos from 10/24 on our trip to Busch Gardens. We didn't stay all weekend this year due to financial problems but it was still an okay trip.  I'm glad I got to see friends I hadn't seen in awhile. Alex and I traveled down to Dismal Swamp State Park just over the NC state one day and discovered a beautiful area.  We went kayaking which was so much fun, and found a fortress of solitude in the woods.  The park is situated on an old distillery so there are still remnants of vines and fruits.  It is heavy with brush so some parts of the trail we walked were reminiscent of a fairy tale forest. We went to Hunt Club Farm in Virginia Beach at the beginning of the month and found some pumpkins!  This big one weighs 32 pounds!
a. I am grateful that October is two days away. b. I am grateful that my father is alive. c. I am grateful that I have the opportunity to go to ODU.

Happy Mabon

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I know summer has only just begun, but I am ready for fall. Hey, I made it longer here at the beach than I did in the mountains! I have just started thinking about all things autumn that I love. I think I'm also stressed because we're so broke right now and we're getting ready to move again because of our crazy upstairs neighbor. I think I'm restless. I don't feel that sense of melancholia like I did before in Harrisonburg, but something just feels off, as I mentioned in the last post, I believe. We'll see.
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I know I'm so bad at keeping up with this thing. I don't know if it's because these days, when it comes to keeping a blog, I feel like I'm talking to someone else and that I have to write as if I am, even if I'm not, even if I don't. it's very frustrating and I can't seem to get passed that feeling and just write. maybe I just don't feel things the way I used to. I don't mean to sound melancholy or depressing, but maybe I don't feel that fiery passion behind everything anymore, love or hate. I don't know. I don't think that's it. I know my last relationship messed me up and I wonder if it doesn't still have an impact on my ability to express emotions in writing or otherwise. it's not something I dwell on because that relationship means absolutely nothing to me and I don't think about it.  But something has been different ever since. I often do wonder if I'm somehow desensitized to everything.  If it's...

some things.

1. How would I want people to describe me? kind, generous, loyal, funny, intelligent, mysterious, honest, indescribable 2. What legacy do I hope to leave? I intend to leave a legacy of hope and justice.  I want to be known, even if it's only by one person, for being someone who sought to unite people and make the world safer for women, people of color, and lgbtq people.  I want the war on poor people to end and I want to be a fighter of injustice and hate. 3. What makes me feel happiest or most fulfilled?  Love and understanding. Nature.  Hope.  Animals. Compassion. 4. Why do these things matter to me? These things matter because of where I came from and where I hope to go.  There is something that has awakened a drive in me to pursue a better life for myself while simultaneously fighting for better, safer lives for others.  People should not suffer from poverty, starvation, racism, sexism, ableism, homophobia, and otherism.  Every livin...

New City, New Job, New Happy

We have officially lived in our apartment for a little over a month and I love it. I love Norfolk, I love ODU, I love our apartment, I love our new life. I can't even begin to describe how much better I feel. People say that running away from where you live isn't a solution and that you will still be you and it's all about perspective and yadda yadda and I think that's a load of bullshit. I know others aside from myself who have moved to a new place and felt a thousand times better. Sometimes, we are not meant to live where we came from.