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 I have been struggling with my anxiety these last few days.

A few days ago, I could hear my heart beating so heavily in my chest and I felt like I was going to come out of my skin.

I've been getting chest pains on and off for a month or so now, but last night and this morning, it hurts to take a deep breath.

I gotta say, I'm really looking forward to that appointment the 17th.  Though I'm also very nervous.  As someone who is terrified of vulnerability and also uncomfortable around strangers, it'll be nerve-racking spilling my guts to someone I don't know at all who is specifically there TO listen to me do exactly that😅

we got snow yesterday!  It's so wild because it was in the 70s all week and over the weekend and then it snowed for hours yesterday and is now 20 degrees outside. I love it!

There are few things more beautiful to me than the snow slowly accumulating on tree branches.

I finished rewatching Dexter and am caught up on the new season, New Blood and oooof.  I feel like something terrible is going to happen in the last episode.  I find myself wanting to rewatch it again so I'm watching Six Feet Under instead.  I can slowly feel myself becoming a Michael C. Hall superfan, lol.  And man, I love Jennifer Carpenter.

I have successfully kept my resolution to not drink so far or buy anything unnecessary this month (excluding books, a new egg skillet, and a shelf for the bathroom, these are necessities okay!).  Definitely want to try some new skincare but I'm trying to force myself to wait until I use what I have.  This is hard you guys.

I reached out to my aunt Beverly but haven't heard anything back.  I'm not sure why she doesn't seem interested in corresponding with me, but it hurts a little bit.  I thought about mentioning it to my dad but he'll make a thing out of it and I'd rather it not be that way.  I told her to also pass along my email address to Paul and Emily if they were interested but maybe they're not.  I guess I'll give it some more time.  Beverly seemed receptive and glad to speak to me when my dad had his surgery a few years ago and I was hoping to connect with their family again and get to know them.  There are things I never got to talk to my grandma about as an adult and I don't want to have the same regrets with other family on my dad's side.  Plus, they're normal and I'd like to know what that's like lol.  But in all seriousness, they're the only decent family I have and I don't want to miss out on knowing them. I wish I could find out if they feel the same about me.  They know a lot more about college stuff than my dad does too, so there's also that.  I am tired of feeling like we're the black sheep in the family.







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