here we go

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 a. My favorite memory from 2021

My favorite memory is definitely our trip to Salem.  When we crossed into Massachusetts, I felt like my heart would explode.  It felt like my soul was coming home to a place it had not been in far too long.  The gorgeous foliage, the kindness of people, the rocky, rustic, salty seaside town of Rockport.  I absolutely cannot wait to go back this June.  It's something to look forward to, without a doubt.  I can feel my heart swelling with joy just thinking about it.  

b.  Something I am most proud of from 2021

Though my appointment isn't until January 17th, I made the first step towards beginning therapy and helping my brain.  I feel like I have spent so much of the last few years sludging through molasses, and while some of that I can easily blame on the pandemic, because let's face it, it's been fucking DIFFICULT, I have not been kind to myself either.  I'm excited to begin the journey to keeping myself from becoming my parents, for once and for all.

c.  a goal for next year: care. about. myself.  I think that means: not drinking.  I've found that, even though I don't drink that much (maybe a few times a month, and really that's only during birthday/holiday seasons), alcohol just does not agree with me anymore.  If I have a drink or two, I usually don't feel good and it's not enough to feel any kind of intoxicated anyway, which to me kind of defeats the purpose.  If I do drink enough to get tipsy or beyond, I get so anxious that I feel like I'm being weird and annoying, I get kind of sad sometimes..and that's leaning into father territory and I never, ever want to go there.  Ever.  I feel guilty the next day if I drink, even if I didn't do anything silly or weird.  It's just not worth it.  There's no pros about drinking, only cons at this point.  

            that also means staying off my computer.  I made a new goal to read 125 books this year, and I didn't meet it this past year because I typically only read at bedtime.  I could easily double that goal if I got the fuck off my computer.  I spent too much money this year, racked up too much debt, and probably murdered my eyes staring at a computer screen on my days off.  My eyeballs deserve better than that.  I need to kick this computer addiction.  

            and, apply for that phd! That's one of the few useful things this computer is good for.  I know I can do this.  I just need to get out of my head and realize I am capable, I am intelligent, I am ambitious, and I can make a difference in the world.


these are just a few reflections.  I think I'll be returning to this throughout the week.

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