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The chaos dies down, and quiet returns. We had a nice, quiet holiday.  Grief has sat heavy with me this year.  I let myself cry alone Christmas morning for the first time in...I can't even remember, and it was a nice release. My heart felt just a smidge lighter. I called my dad on Christmas day, much too late.  He was slurring his words and speaking nonsense.  I should've known better than to call in the evening. I got off the phone as quickly as I could, pretending to be mostly unbothered. I wonder what it's like to have at least one parent who isn't an addict?  I suppose that's a feeling I'll never experience. I begin therapy January 17th and I'm quite looking forward to it.  My chest has felt tight and balled up lately.  I feel as if I'm moving through life in a vat of molasses, and I'm hoping to find some relief, maybe some more energy to do the things I want to do. yesterday, reading new books in new jammies with a new comforter! a gorgeous Dece...
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peel the scars from off my back, I don't need them anymore

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I've realized that the reason I never write anymore is because I became uncomfortable with talking about my emotions. In my last relationship, I was never allowed to share them without Austin distancing himself from me.  It contributed to my fear of being even remotely vulnerable. Which, is fine, but it breaks my heart to realize that this is why I don't write anymore. it feels like a talent was stolen from me. A lot of things were stolen from me in that relationship. But it's in the past and now that I've finally realized why I can't seem to write (aside from academic shit), I can begin to fix it. I've been telling myself that if I want more from my relationship, I have to be willing to give more myself.  Because, let's be honest.  I hate feelings.  I hate sharing my feelings. But I have to remember that if I allow myself to feel them and show them, I'll accomplish what it is I want.  You give more, you get more.  If only it were so simple. ...
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