Paper Ghost: Musings of a Restless Girl

I feel like I say this at the end of every year, but man, this year was rough. I am so exhausted from having worked 7 days a week for like, 9 months. I'm hoping this year will bring about some positive financial change.  While I love working at the SPCA, it's just not fruitful and I am literally killing myself working nonstop.  People need days off. Period. There is so much I want to manifest this year.  I know I constantly talk about wanting to get back into writing but it's just so damn hard.  I don't let myself feel much and after years of repressing it all, it's hard to get back into a place where I take care of myself and my feelings and really FEEL.  I don't know that I've ever really taken care of myself either, so in that aspect, I have to start from scratch. Of course I have money goals, health goals, but I really need to focus on my emotional goals.  I really need to get in and dig deep into what the hell I feel and be open to the idea of vuln...

I drew a tarot spread with no particular question or situation in mind, I just let the deck guide me. My result was shockingly appropriate. The deck I used was The Antique Anatomy, for reference. Page of Rods: Appearance as a situation: on the verge of great discovery about the inner self.  Enthusiasm and inspiration surrounding this journey.  I am in a position to ask myself who I want to be, and what can I do to get there? and, the card indicates I have the support to change.  Queen of Blades: As a situation:  "This card wants you to find the way without help from others"--use the time to be independent.  I am equipped with the skills and information I need and can set a plan into place without letting emotions get in the way. Eight of Coins:  This card provides the courage to pursue new prospects and "start a project in a field you are passionate about."  It serves as a reminder to be as dedicated as possible--learn as much as possible to pr...

" Perhaps you've spent a good portion of your life claiming that your word is bond. It mattered to you that people kept their word, and it mattered to you that you were perceived as someone who kept their word in turn. These kinds of verbal contracts and commitments were forms of intimacy. They allowed for a kind of emotional safety net when other forms of security seemed out of the picture. This past year has taught you a great deal about what intimacy is and what it is not. And, it'll come as no surprise to you that this month aims to further that theme with a heavy focus on — what else? — your vows. Most people have no idea the length and width of the vows you make them, but they are extensive, aren't they? You make a vow to your friends when they are in ill health. You make a vow that you will only buy eco-responsible creamer. You make a vow and, by goddess, you hate to break it. Scorpio, your word might be ironclad, but your spirit is water. Your spirit, despi...

And here we are, weeks later and I still haven't updated 😅 It's the last month of the year and the decade so I suppose I should do something productive here, right? I've been stuck in this non-writing, unmotivated hole for years.  I blame school, honestly.  It's like I forgot how to do anything other than write academically. This year was not great. I've struggled financially more than I think I ever have (I mean, my damn car got repossessed, so). I did get promoted to full time at my job, something I really wanted from the day I started, but it doesn't pay the bills. I've struggled with my love for what I do as an animal care technician and the need to be financially stable. I've worked almost every day with few breaks since March and it's left me burned out and angry, with little time or motivation to do anything else.  I've applied for many jobs in my field and haven't even made to an interview, something I've never had an issu...

Well another birthday has come and gone.  I am now 31. I have a lot to update on but as per usual, finding the energy is difficult. We went to Philadelphia for our anniversary and my birthday and oh what fun. It was stressful as people drive a little...crazy, if I'm being nice, but we went to a lot of neat shops and ate a lot of good food. We also saw Chelsea Wolfe live and it was memorable beyond words. I wanted to post this as a reminder to myself to post the photos and write a little bit about our trip. so  here is my note to self! I have a little bit of time off over the next weeks (shocking!) so perhaps I'll have some downtime to write. :)

In a journal or notepad, answer these questions to the best of your ability: ”How am I calling in balance into my life? How can I be more balanced? What needs to be released in order to cultivate balance? What have I been growing in my garden of thoughts? How does this serve me?”  How am I calling in balance into my life? Currently I don't feel like I am at all. I don't have any time off, I'm still broke despite working constantly. I'm forever tired and lately I've been feeling just down and sad. The state of the world is terrible and the state of my life isn't any better, at least financially which leads to no relaxation or downtime. I have no time for myself. How can I be more balanced? I think by making myself a priority and trying to make time for myself even if that means making myself go to the gym. I'm also going to begin looking for other jobs as well. How can I be more balanced? I think exercise will help me deal a little bit better with...

I am so scared for our future. we are destroying the planet and ourselves.

Scorpio: From intensity to levity Ponder this, Scorpio: What if everything didn’t have to be soooo serious? You get super invested in all that you do, which is one of your winning qualities. But the intensity that you bring to these missions with can be extra-extra…for you and everyone in your radius. Your solstice transformation is a fun one: Bring some play into the equation! Could you turn those tasks into a game? Find some dark humor in the situation? If you’re not enjoying yourself for at least a few hours every day, you’re doing something wrong. It’s your birthright to be happy—and you can find those moments of joy even while you’re dealing with tough stuff, like railing against abortion bans and searching for answers to climate change. P.S. Cutting a few negative people out of your life might be necessary to finding that nirvana.

BloodMilk is releasing a special series of rose quartz jewels today. Rose Quartz has always resonated with me, though when prompted to explore my connections to it, I could not pinpoint anything beyond associations with my birthday and my grandma.  I know that RQ is symbolic of love, but I wasn't sure what else. BM's post and collection has led me to begin exploring my associations a little deeper. My immediate connections are as I said, my grandma. She loved pink and she loved roses, she loved jewelry and stones. She gave me a bracelet with large rose quartz stones on it one year, a bracelet that I have brought out numerous times to wear with me on days where I felt I needed her strength. 2018 marked the passage of ten years since her death, the bracelet broke during this year as well. I was devastated. I have always read that rose quartz is a birthstone for October as well, my second association with the stone. My closest friends have October birthdays as well, as does ...

A few weeks ago, I read Heavier than Heaven.  If you're unfamiliar, it's one of the better known biographies about Kurt Cobain.  The book left me in tears, a rare thing. Ever since, I've thought quite a bit about death, about how we impact people while we're alive, the things we do to make the world better, or worse. I'm not sure if it's because I also turned 30 last year and graduated from graduate school, or if, for the first time in my life, I'm free from school for the unforeseen future,  but i've been thinking a lot about death. Often times, at night when I lie down to bed, I am struck with a fear of death and loss.  Not only for myself, but especially for those around me and those I love.  I have always had a decent amount of anxiety surrounding the loss of a loved one, but it's becoming paralyzing. It's not only at night that my anxiety strikes either.  I find myself thinking more and more about aging, about life, the pros...

When I was little, my grandma and I would perform what I now like to call a ritual, called "cut and paste."  We would cut up construction paper and glue it in different ways to make bookmarks and other little pieces of juvenile art.  With the passing of Valentine's Day, I specifically remembered how we would cut different colored hearts in a distinct way so that each side was even and symmetrical.  We would then glue the hearts onto different colored rectangles made of construction paper to make little bookmarks. I also had this porcelain teaset that she made me that included little tea cups with blue flowers, and a tea kettle shaped like a cat with a fish being held at its chest for a spout. We would sit at my little craft table and she would make us real tea to put in the cat kettle and we'd have a tea party.  Usually, this included homemade sugar cookies with pink homemade buttercream frosting.  I never liked Valentine's Day when I got older, and this memo...

Your reading for Today: Today, it is the well-being of your little family that counts more than anything else, REBECCA. You might be organizing a party for your children’s friends, or a supper for your colleagues – even if you don’t particularly feel like it. The alliance of the Moon and Temperance can give rise to a certain hypocrisy. Clearly, there isn’t anything you wouldn’t do for the happiness of your loved ones. At work, thanks to the combined influence of the Moon and the Emperor, you seem rather like a bold tightrope walker who wants to turn back with only a few centimeters to go! Your capabilities are real, but your self-doubt could bring you up short just as things are going promisingly. Put your faith in your gut feelings and push yourself to the limit – you won’t let yourself down.

I think I am letting the world make me bitter.

I was thinking that rather than making lofty goals for the entire year, it might be better to break them down month to month. January Goals: 1. Walk 10, 000 steps each day. 2. Work out 2-3 times a week (will increase this goal through the year) 3. Eat at least 3 servings of veggies per day. 4. Save $5-10 per check. 5. Do not eat out at all. 6. No soda, no candy bars at work.

I was never one for New Year's nothing good ever happened and I never felt much of a reason to make any resolutions.  Change can happen anytime, and it seemed to me that putting pressure on oneself all at once to radically change was unrealistic and harmful. I still feel this way, but over the last few years, I've become much more reflective this time of year. Maybe it's the solstice and the feeling that it's the right time to begin some changes, who knows. I have always had a hard time being proud of myself.  I never felt like anything was good enough and that I could always do better.  While it's okay to believe that we can always improve, it's also okay to be proud of ourselves.  It's okay to not work ourselves into the ground and it's okay to acknowledge when we do a good job.  Otherwise, what is the point of working so hard in the first place? This year, I want to learn how to be proud of myself and be less concerned with how others feel about...